dream without fear. love without limits.
I took Friday 6/30 and Monday 7/3 off and had a five-day weekend for Independence Day! I’ve had a pretty busy year so far, so it was a really great break. Allen was planning to visit his dad this weekend, so I drove down to Miami to see my family (and of course, get the pups ??)
It was definitely a really nice change to spend several full days at home, instead of coming down late Friday night and having to leave midday Sunday. And I got to see Ray again – I hadn’t seen her since Christmas!
I (not very surprisingly…) overslept on Friday morning, so I left Tampa late and didn’t get a chance to eat lunch with my cousins. Ray and I went to another cousin’s and her boyfriend’s house for dinner that night, and met up with (yet more) cousins. I have a ridiculous amount of family. Sometimes irksome (how do you see so many people in short visits?!) but sometimes AWESOME (uh, any family get-together is rad). Mostly awesome.
On Saturday, my parents, Ray, and I went to Sawgrass. Just to get out of the house, really. I ended up spending a boatload of money on a new suit and work pants from the theory outlet. Definitely necessary, but my wallet is hurting. Buying pants – work pants especially – has always been a huge challenge, as I have very muscular calves for my body, so everything fits oddly. And these are really nice ones, and I’ll actually wear them, so it’s worth it. Still painful though.
I woke up on Sunday with what I call “the Sunday feeling” – kind of sad because the weekend is almost over. But it was great, because I wasn’t leaving until Tuesday! (A Sunday fakeout?) The fam was originally going to go to dim sum, but plans fell through. Although I do love dim sum, I always get SO tired afterward.
We ended up hanging around the house most of the day, which is pretty much my favorite thing to do. Had dinner at Auntie Maggie’s house where I saw (even more) family, and then went to Miami landmark Swensen’s for late night ice cream with my mom’s side of the fam.
Most of Monday was spent catching up with my cousin Sam. I know I keep harping on this, but it’s so hard to see everybody when I’m only in town for one full day! So it was really nice to be able to do that.
Tuesday morning was a Jamaican brunch with my mom’s side of the family. I’m not too fond of Jamaican breakfast – blasphemy, I know! But I saw my mom’s fam again and ate breadfruit, so it was a great morning.
Wik and Cass and I spent most of Tuesday in the car back up to Tampa. The two pups spent most of the drive sleeping, lucky ducks!
Random thoughts before I call it a night:
- I started an Instagram for the pups! Follow their adventures (okay, mostly naps) at @wikncass!
- I went to NYC to visit my friend Yue for Memorial Day weekend. This is actually supposed to be a post. It’s coming.. hopefully before Christmas… I’m improving with my post frequency though, sort of. So I’ve got that going for me?
It’s March, aka almost summer if you live in Florida (even though it dropped to 40 degrees this week…). I love maxis, especially ones with fun back details – they’re so comfortable yet put together. And I’m totally feeling all of the cute sun hats that seem to be popping up! I’ve never been a hat person (like, ever – only when it’s cold), but I will probably try to get myself one of these.
Someone once told me that I had a tendency to run away from my problems.
I mean, I guess it’s true. My head can be a dangerous place to linger, which I have a tendency to do. I can get so wrapped up in the rabbit holes of questions that it’s sometimes better to distract myself with something entirely new.
The possibility of a Very Big Change is on the horizon, and some big decisions are coming soon. (I’m not trying to be all spooky and mysterious with the vagueness, I just need to think but I don’t want to name specifics until the decision is actually made.) I’m excited but terrified.
I need a distraction. Allen and I have broken up, and it hurts. I’m walking and dressed (sometimes even like a presentable human being) and talking and working, but it’s more than a little difficult when it feels like I’ll never really be whole again. I try to remind myself that this will pass, and I’ll look back on it someday as good times spent with a good person. But I miss my best friend a hell of a lot right now.
Happy new year!
I figured I’d start this year off by defining some goals I’d like to work toward.
Okay, I guess this immediately transforms this post into the cliche #newyearnewme. But I started following my boyfriend to the gym in November-ish, and I’ve been really enjoying it so far. As I am quite possibly the least athletic and laziest person alive, this is a huge achievement for me, and I’m super proud! (Even though I took two weeks off during the holidays. Oops.)
Whenever I tried going to the gym previously, it was at night, after work or school. It sounds super simple, but Allen and I have been going in the morning before work, and that makes a world of a difference. I definitely feel more energized and ready for the day! It also helps a lot that I have a gym partner who is always encouraging but understands if I need an occasional day off. It makes going so much easier and it’s a lot more fun than going solo.
This year, I’d really like to incorporate regular yoga sessions on top of the morning workouts. I’ve lost a considerable amount of flexibility from when I was a cheerleader a long, long time ago in high school, and I think it would be good to regain that.
This is something I’ve failed at focusing on for years. I’ve kept diaries since I was nine, but I’d really like to be more diligent at writing both in my diary and blogging.
Of course, I always say that I am going to focus on writing/blogging more, and I never follow through after the first post. I don’t want to look back in 2018 and find myself posting the same thing again!
I love to eat, and I love to cook – definitely a child of my mom’s side of the family! I’d like to try new recipes this year and maybe even make and share a couple of my own here.
This is a big one for me. I’ve always been prone to moodiness, but I think I have been struggling with full-blown, undiagnosed depression for the past few years.
Since I graduated college a few years ago, I’ve undergone some pretty big life changes, and have had some trouble coping. To be honest, I didn’t really recognize the depression when it reared its ugly head again until my doctor pointed it out. I was incredibly tired for months no matter how much sleep I had, and was having real trouble focusing on work or wanting to leave the couch on the weekends. I was essentially a zombie.
I started an antidepressant a few months ago and it has been a real help. Before, I’d been feeling so empty that I could barely even think. It’s not a cure-all, but I can get out of bed every morning without feeling so blank and lifeless that I consider it a real win. I could barely find the motivation to dress myself, and here I am writing a post on things I’d like to focus on this year.
So, I’d like to work on my mental health. Maybe not necessarily try to come off my medication, but to better understand my mental state and how to keep myself in a good place.
2017 is going to be another good year! I can feel it.
So, um, hi. Haven’t used this in a while…
Six years. It’s been six years since I first thought up Dannabella.com, and still – no content. I’ve got stacks of filled journals in my closet, and yet only one measly blog post. I’ve had a lot of false starts, lots of different directions I thought I’d go with this. Maybe this is the time I’ll start, you know, actually using this.
Fun fact: I’ve played around with building my own website from when I was 12 years old. That’s more than half my life now. I’ve read lots of blogs, saw lots of personal websites, and the entire time have dreamt of my own. What’s stopping you? any logical person would ask. There are a zillion places to have a free website. Hell, you just admitted you’ve had this domain for six years!
Another fun fact: I have an (professionally-undiagnosed, self-diagnosed) anxiety problem. This is a way less fun fact than fact #1.
Even though it’s still bad, at least for me, I have somehow reached a point where I am learning to say fuck it. Dealing with it is pretty tiresome, you know? A short list of things I have done due to my anxiety:
- Avoided wearing cool clothes/shoes/accessories that I liked, because, you know, everybody cares about what I wear
- Avoided meeting new people, because I worry they’ll think I’m a total weirdo (true)
- Avoided hanging out with people I already know, because I worry I’ll reinforce the opinion that I am a weirdo
- Avoided going to places ranging from football games, school dances, road trips, and restaurants
- Avoided telling people I was upset/angry/dissatisfied/unhappy because maybe I’m being totally unreasonable
- Avoided picking up a new hobby because that means meeting new people and trying/practicing/performing in front of them
- Avoided career opportunities because, well, people (see a theme?)
- Avoided blogging and/or creating a personal website, because jelly haterz or something
As you can see, it’s a lot of fun to be me. Sometimes I wonder how I even manage to leave the house in the morning. Even-less-fun fact: sometimes I can’t even do that.
I can play it off sometimes. But sometimes it’s easier to avoid it. I still do a lot of those things on the list, sadly enough. But I’ve actually gotten a lot better than what I used to be. But sometimes I wonder if I should try medication. Doubt I ever will – those drugs are serious business, and I don’t think they’re right for me. But it can be tempting.
Anyway. The point of this rambly post is to say HEY ANXIETY. WE’RE DONE.
I’m kind of excited.