Late night musings

Someone once told me that I had a tendency to run away from my problems. 

I mean, I guess it’s true. My head can be a dangerous place to linger, which I have a tendency to do. I can get so wrapped up in the rabbit holes of questions that it’s sometimes better to distract myself with something entirely new. 

The possibility of a Very Big Change is on the horizon, and some big decisions are coming soon. (I’m not trying to be all spooky and mysterious with the vagueness, I just need to think but I don’t want to name specifics until the decision is actually made.) I’m excited but terrified. 

I need a distraction. Allen and I have broken up, and it hurts. I’m walking and dressed (sometimes even like a presentable human being) and talking and working, but it’s more than a little difficult when it feels like I’ll never really be whole again. I try to remind myself that this will pass, and I’ll look back on it someday as good times spent with a good person. But I miss my best friend a hell of a lot right now. 

Continue Reading

Currently Grateful For

  • Nice clients (extra thankful for the ones who send dog pictures)
  • Chocolate covered strawberries aka Random Acts of Treat Yo Self 
  • Beautiful weather
  • Friends who are not only willing to listen to me rant, but also volunteer to help me paint and install flooring (you guys rock)
  • Parents and little sisters who are willing to do same. How did I get so lucky?
  • Long walks with cute pups 

Continue Reading


Happy new year!

I figured I’d start this year off by defining some goals I’d like to work toward.


Okay, I guess this immediately transforms this post into the cliche #newyearnewme. But I started following my boyfriend to the gym in November-ish, and I’ve been really enjoying it so far. As I am quite possibly the least athletic and laziest person alive, this is a huge achievement for me, and I’m super proud! (Even though I took two weeks off during the holidays. Oops.)

Whenever I tried going to the gym previously, it was at night, after work or school. It sounds super simple, but Allen and I have been going in the morning before work, and that makes a world of a difference. I definitely feel more energized and ready for the day! It also helps a lot that I have a gym partner who is always encouraging but understands if I need an occasional day off. It makes going so much easier and it’s a lot more fun than going solo.

This year, I’d really like to incorporate regular yoga sessions on top of the morning workouts. I’ve lost a considerable amount of flexibility from when I was a cheerleader a long, long time ago in high school, and I think it would be good to regain that.


This is something I’ve failed at focusing on for years. I’ve kept diaries since I was nine, but I’d really like to be more diligent at writing both in my diary and blogging.

Of course, I always say that I am going to focus on writing/blogging more, and I never follow through after the first post. I don’t want to look back in 2018 and find myself posting the same thing again!


I love to eat, and I love to cook – definitely a child of my mom’s side of the family! I’d like to try new recipes this year and maybe even make and share a couple of my own here.

Mental Health

This is a big one for me. I’ve always been prone to moodiness, but I think I have been struggling with full-blown, undiagnosed depression for the past few years.

Since I graduated college a few years ago, I’ve undergone some pretty big life changes, and have had some trouble coping. To be honest, I didn’t really recognize the depression when it reared its ugly head again until my doctor pointed it out. I was incredibly tired for months no matter how much sleep I had, and was having real trouble focusing on work or wanting to leave the couch on the weekends. I was essentially a zombie.

I started an antidepressant a few months ago and it has been a real help. Before, I’d been feeling so empty that I could barely even think. It’s not a cure-all, but I can get out of bed every morning without feeling so blank and lifeless that I consider it a real win. I could barely find the motivation to dress myself, and here I am writing a post on things I’d like to focus on this year.

So, I’d like to work on my mental health. Maybe not necessarily try to come off my medication, but to better understand my mental state and how to keep myself in a good place.

2017 is going to be another good year! I can feel it.

Continue Reading

Late Night Thoughts, #deep

So, um, hi. Haven’t used this in a while…

Six years. It’s been six years since I first thought up, and still – no content. I’ve got stacks of filled journals in my closet, and yet only one measly blog post. I’ve had a lot of false starts, lots of different directions I thought I’d go with this. Maybe this is the time I’ll start, you know, actually using this.

Fun fact: I’ve played around with building my own website from when I was 12 years old. That’s more than half my life now. I’ve read lots of blogs, saw lots of personal websites, and the entire time have dreamt of my own. What’s stopping you? any logical person would ask. There are a zillion places to have a free website. Hell, you just admitted you’ve had this domain for six years!

Another fun fact: I have an (professionally-undiagnosed, self-diagnosed) anxiety problem. This is a way less fun fact than fact #1.

Even though it’s still bad, at least for me, I have somehow reached a point where I am learning to say fuck it. Dealing with it is pretty tiresome, you know? A short list of things I have done due to my anxiety:

  • Avoided wearing cool clothes/shoes/accessories that I liked, because, you know, everybody cares about what I wear
  • Avoided meeting new people, because I worry they’ll think I’m a total weirdo (true)
  • Avoided hanging out with people I already know, because I worry I’ll reinforce the opinion that I am a weirdo
  • Avoided going to places ranging from football games, school dances, road trips, and restaurants
  • Avoided telling people I was upset/angry/dissatisfied/unhappy because maybe I’m being totally unreasonable
  • Avoided picking up a new hobby because that means meeting new people and trying/practicing/performing in front of them
  • Avoided career opportunities because, well, people (see a theme?)
  • Avoided blogging and/or creating a personal website, because jelly haterz or something

As you can see, it’s a lot of fun to be me. Sometimes I wonder how I even manage to leave the house in the morning. Even-less-fun fact: sometimes I can’t even do that.

I can play it off sometimes. But sometimes it’s easier to avoid it. I still do a lot of those things on the list, sadly enough. But I’ve actually gotten a lot better than what I used to be. But sometimes I wonder if I should try medication. Doubt I ever will – those drugs are serious business, and I don’t think they’re right for me. But it can be tempting.

Anyway. The point of this rambly post is to say HEY ANXIETY. WE’RE DONE.

I’m kind of excited.

Continue Reading

How to Cope When the Guy You’re Dating Moves to Another State

  1. Continue dating when he tells you the possibility of the move one month in. You’re, like, an adult now. Or something. You have chill. This can be casual. Whatever.
  2. Learn that you are actually not a chill adult and you are falling for this dude. Be torn about opening up and being emotionally guarded because of potential move. Opt for latter (also because you are awkward as hell).
  3. Learn of offer. Be simultaneously proud of him, excited for his opportunity, semi-hopeful for a LDR (but not really because long distance sucks and it’s extremely unlikely), and sad because of very likely impending breakup.
  4. Talk about it. It’s over when he goes. Cry uncontrollably because it hurts even though it’s not at all unexpected. Decide to stop seeing him before he actually leaves in an attempt to get over it faster.
  5. Start crying in restaurant when friend suggests dinner to make you feel better. Waiter somehow manages to cheer you up slightly. Feel extremely guilty and embarrassed that you made him deal with it when he probably just wants to go home.
  6. Renege on “no contact” decision less than 24 hours later because YOLO and shit.
  7. Deny till you fucking die. Try to not get any more emotionally involved. It’s hard.
  8. Departure date approaches. Suffer crumbling self-control. Wonder aimlessly if he will miss you as much as you miss him.
  9. Annoy friends to death with elaborate conspiracy theories involving him not actually moving but just wanting to break up. Feel amused at your ridiculous state of mind.
  10. ???
Continue Reading