Late Night Thoughts, #deep

So, um, hi. Haven’t used this in a while…

Six years. It’s been six years since I first thought up, and still – no content. I’ve got stacks of filled journals in my closet, and yet only one measly blog post. I’ve had a lot of false starts, lots of different directions I thought I’d go with this. Maybe this is the time I’ll start, you know, actually using this.

Fun fact: I’ve played around with building my own website from when I was 12 years old. That’s more than half my life now. I’ve read lots of blogs, saw lots of personal websites, and the entire time have dreamt of my own. What’s stopping you? any logical person would ask. There are a zillion places to have a free website. Hell, you just admitted you’ve had this domain for six years!

Another fun fact: I have an (professionally-undiagnosed, self-diagnosed) anxiety problem. This is a way less fun fact than fact #1.

Even though it’s still bad, at least for me, I have somehow reached a point where I am learning to say fuck it. Dealing with it is pretty tiresome, you know? A short list of things I have done due to my anxiety:

  • Avoided wearing cool clothes/shoes/accessories that I liked, because, you know, everybody cares about what I wear
  • Avoided meeting new people, because I worry they’ll think I’m a total weirdo (true)
  • Avoided hanging out with people I already know, because I worry I’ll reinforce the opinion that I am a weirdo
  • Avoided going to places ranging from football games, school dances, road trips, and restaurants
  • Avoided telling people I was upset/angry/dissatisfied/unhappy because maybe I’m being totally unreasonable
  • Avoided picking up a new hobby because that means meeting new people and trying/practicing/performing in front of them
  • Avoided career opportunities because, well, people (see a theme?)
  • Avoided blogging and/or creating a personal website, because jelly haterz or something

As you can see, it’s a lot of fun to be me. Sometimes I wonder how I even manage to leave the house in the morning. Even-less-fun fact: sometimes I can’t even do that.

I can play it off sometimes. But sometimes it’s easier to avoid it. I still do a lot of those things on the list, sadly enough. But I’ve actually gotten a lot better than what I used to be. But sometimes I wonder if I should try medication. Doubt I ever will – those drugs are serious business, and I don’t think they’re right for me. But it can be tempting.

Anyway. The point of this rambly post is to say HEY ANXIETY. WE’RE DONE.

I’m kind of excited.

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How to Cope When the Guy You’re Dating Moves to Another State

  1. Continue dating when he tells you the possibility of the move one month in. You’re, like, an adult now. Or something. You have chill. This can be casual. Whatever.
  2. Learn that you are actually not a chill adult and you are falling for this dude. Be torn about opening up and being emotionally guarded because of potential move. Opt for latter (also because you are awkward as hell).
  3. Learn of offer. Be simultaneously proud of him, excited for his opportunity, semi-hopeful for a LDR (but not really because long distance sucks and it’s extremely unlikely), and sad because of very likely impending breakup.
  4. Talk about it. It’s over when he goes. Cry uncontrollably because it hurts even though it’s not at all unexpected. Decide to stop seeing him before he actually leaves in an attempt to get over it faster.
  5. Start crying in restaurant when friend suggests dinner to make you feel better. Waiter somehow manages to cheer you up slightly. Feel extremely guilty and embarrassed that you made him deal with it when he probably just wants to go home.
  6. Renege on “no contact” decision less than 24 hours later because YOLO and shit.
  7. Deny till you fucking die. Try to not get any more emotionally involved. It’s hard.
  8. Departure date approaches. Suffer crumbling self-control. Wonder aimlessly if he will miss you as much as you miss him.
  9. Annoy friends to death with elaborate conspiracy theories involving him not actually moving but just wanting to break up. Feel amused at your ridiculous state of mind.
  10. ???
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